When I was younger, I was the go-to guy for advice. I listened and gave out some pretty damn good advice, at least for a teenager and very young adult. As an ersatz agony aunt I heard so much angst, sturm and drang, and pathos. Often, the pathos went bathos and I secretly laughed and sighed in equal measure.

The result of this was that some friends began to call me Father Tom. In my family, my nickname had been Tommy or Tom. My first outside nicker was Tom. To this day, I will only allow family and very close friends to call me Tommy. Tom I was and Tom I stayed. This new appellation, Father, left me a bit disturbed. I wanted to help others but would have preferred Brother Tom if they had to give me a spiritual designation. I had no pardon to give nor could I perform the vague miracle of transubstantiation.

The most disturbing thing about being a Father Tom was the vow priests, Catholic priests, are required to take. I had no desire for celibacy; I simply had desire. I now think this nickname was a way for some people to de-sexualize me, or more succinctly, to remove my sexual orientation. Most of my friends knew I was gay. However, the open acceptance of LGBT+ was somewhat new at the time and there were not many norms for fair minded people to follow. This was especially true for fair minded teenagers. Putting me in a position where they would not have to think about my sexuality directly allowed them to be accepting. They could ignore the internalized homophobia they had imbibed from society.

I also felt somewhat comfortable with being in a “spiritual” position to help my friends. I had my own internal struggles with homophobia. I could not say, “I’m gay” to others until I was in my late ‘20s. My fear led to my accepting a position in between, not fully embracing myself or the total diversity of the world.

Now, I fully support those who are asexual, who feel no or little desire for sex or romance. I support those who feel some desire for romance and intimacy. I support all variations which do not hurt others. Sexuality and gender expression are always experienced on a continuum, where the seesaw goes up or down as it wants, dumping us at one end or balancing us in the middle.

Today I work in social services. While providing direct care for people, I find that occupying that neutral “Father” space is useful. I try to listen as I did before. The one change is that I don’t give advice. I don’t feel it would be very helpful. Not that I don’t give practical tips as such but no imperatives.

I’ve noticed on social media and in person that many LGBTQ+ people often embrace a “spiritual” position such as I had. They are not explicitly calling themselves father or pastor or any conventional title. The vibe is the same. They want to help others with coming out or practical issues with toxic, phobic relationships. They want to save the world. They want to spin the world around and change its orientation. Interesting to note, many LGBTQ+ people also say they are having trouble meeting people and forming lasting romantic relationships.  Maybe it’s just easier to save the world than save ourselves. I should know. Intimacy is harder than conversion.