I have an old friend who has a site full of pictures and text about Greater Boston. He and his husband go out to places and take photos. I mean physical photos as my friend, JR, likes to use film. Most of the time these pictures are of him at some spots in the urban landscape. Sometimes they are pictures in a more sylvan setting with trees and water. His smiling face is almost always in the center of each shot.

When I met JR, I had a big, big crush on him. I was able to talk with him, get to know him, and found him responding to my attention. Turned out we matched better as friends. I really liked him as a friend.

Lately I have been crushing on someone at work who I barely know. Since I work in a different office from him I have not been able to talk with him. It’s been frustrating; I like to talk to talk with people in general, especially when I find them interesting. He doesn’t seem to be a talker. He barely says “hi” to me and did not really talk to my boss or coworkers when he was at my work site.

And one more thing. When we first met a while back, I saw him sitting in a van at another worksite’s parking lot (I work at a social service agency with many different offices and sites) and where he was to greet him. He beat me to the greeting and said, “Hi Tom”. The words were neutral but there was anger in his voice. It was so strong I just pulled back inside and mumbled a hello. I don’t think it was about me. I mean, I barely knew him and had done nothing to him. It didn’t feel good though.

My friend Carina, who is a top tier bestie, told me he was a dick. Probably is. I could also say maybe he just has a different communication style, if I were feeling kind and compassionate about it. But he probably is a dick.

Crushes of any kind can be awful. It’s harder when you can’t find a resolution through interacting with the person, like I did with JR. Talking for me is a way to break though that hard persona most people project. As I am an introvert in many ways, talking, connecting with other people through speaking and listening, helps me kick my cocoon open. Sometimes I talk so much, some have though I was a social mariposa. Talking also helps me resolve crushy feelings. I can find out who they are. It’s a great reality check.