For too many years I woke up each morning wondering about what I was missing. I had no boyfriend or husband. I didn’t have the body I always wanted. At times, my thoughts were sludge, composed of fears and coagulating into a thick, hot mess.

I am still that person. I’m still afraid of so many things. Will my friends reject my overtures to go out? Will I never find love, as if I really know what love is? (Cue a famous 90’s song with a title that echoes that last sentence. And bob your head to the side.) Will I be able to talk when inside I feel hollow and yet somehow so full and heavy that my mouth is unable to open? To add to this frothy mix, I was fat and not liking it in spite of my belief in body positivity for everyone else.

Yet, I am not exactly as I was. After reviewing my flaws, I still feel good. I have a tickle in my gut that seems to arise when I need it. I let it come in and twist my face into smiles. Or almost smiles. I laugh out loud. I try not to hold this laughter in regardless of others’ reactions.

I think losing 100 pounds after bariatric surgery definitely helped. I loved the new energy I felt after the weight loss. I love my face despite too many wrinkles coming to the surface.

Jesus preached that you are the light of the world and to not hide that light. I hid my light, devaluing my abilities, my worth, my existence. I realized I didn’t get anything because I believed I didn’t deserve or was not up to getting what I wanted. If you think you’re stupid, then you are, regardless of any degrees you have. If you think you’re unattractive, then you are, even when you are definitely not. If you think you are a slut, only good for sex and not love, any kind of love, then you are a slut. I am not sex shaming here. I’m talking about how your actions are guided by how you feel about you. (Again not shaming anyone. Sex is one of God/the Universe/higher power’s best inventions. Amen.)

There is a motto from the ancient Greco-Romans I have adopted: Fortune favors the bold. Or you could say the audacious. It is not a promise or guarantee of success or wealth or whatever you think you want, but an observation that there is an order to the world that is with us, in our corners, watching our backs. I also interpret it as a reminder if you don’t get up and walk, you’ll be stuck in your chair all day and you will get nowhere.

This boldness is found in our small actions. Sometimes just getting up and showering can be incredibly bold. Taking a chance and befriending someone you never thought you might like to befriend is bad ass awesome. Letting them get to know you, fuck ups and all, is about as audacious as we can be in this life. Saying yes to love in all its forms is the epitome of boldness. This is where I try to live today with no mea culpas. I try to light my light and share it with others. It is a bold light, a bonfire of guilt, fear, mistakes, flaws mixed with the humble arrogance of enjoying who I am. I am fire. I am light.

And so are you.