Recently my friend told me his mother used to say, “This is hell”, referring to the world around her. He asked me if she knew what this felt like to him. I tried to listen and validate his feeling but he did not really elaborate how he felt after hearing her. His face was both distraught and withdrawn, pulled back and distressed.

My mother used to tell me that her grandmother, my great grandmother, said this to her, too. Mom never told me how she personally felt about the idea that this plane of existence was hell. She did, however, elaborate her theory as to what Granny meant. She told me she thought her grandmother meant that there was no suffering in any afterlife as the experience of one’s first life was so full of pain and trauma.

From conversations with my friends, I suspect many of our interactions with our families were traumatic, traumatic with a small T, than we let on.

For myself, I have recently become more aware of my attachment style. These are patterns of behavior which present themselves when we become intimate with friends, family and lovers. I should say styles, because I feel I am fearful avoidant with a big dose of anxious attachment when confronted with being close with someone. In both styles, I become emotionally overwhelmed and scared when being intimate with someone. My reaction to this is becoming anxious and wanting more than healthy attention from someone so that i feel less scared. In the fearful side of my style, I pull back when overwhelmed to help me regulate my emotions. I tell myself they suck and really don’t like me anyway, they are not worth it, etc.

This fear of intimacy stems from reasons that are so obvious to me, they are cliches. My father was a functioning alcoholic who drank every night. My mother was not available emotionally; I think she was using all of her energy to deal with my father. I think she was overwhelmed, at times shutting out emotional awareness of my sister and I to keep herself safe from her own overwhelming emotions and issues. Neither parent was able to help us learn to self-soothe, to self-regulate emotions when in distress. Neither of them were great at teaching their children to express needs or learn their boundaries. They did their best I believe. They tried. I still love them but know they were limited beings. Just like me.

I am working on healing. In the end, I can’t do anything else if I want to have a deeper connection with other people. To my friends, to people in loving relationships with me, to family, I’m trying. I’m learning my needs and boundaries. Most importantly, I’m trying to improve my communication of these needs and boundaries. I want to be truly present with you. I want to love and be loves. You think that would be easy. But (cliché but truth alert) nothing important and meaningful ever is.

Love you all, no matter what it sometimes seems