In the last year I have been overwhelmed with social media professing the gospel of attachment theory. Hi, my name is Tom, I’m disorganizedly attached, and always confused and hurt. Hi, my name is Veronica, I’m secure, let’s discuss our boundaries. Please stand back, my name is Archie and I’m dismissive avoidant, Farther back please.

Yes, our attachment styles are important to know, deal with, and work on as they come out and yank on us any time we take that tiny step towards the embrace of another. I definitely have a hard time being open about my feelings. I am much better than I used to be. However, there is still a little dark ball of energy that roams around my stomach and tells me I will never be loved. It sparks and has a young face. Never trust love it says. Zizzle. Pop. Somedays we talk and realize that the fears it expresses are not reality, sweet, tasty reality, but wispy thoughts that can have the effect of a walled prison being placed on all sides around me. I love people, but I am scared. Mistrust seeps into all my relationships at times, though I am working on turning those prison walls into meltable cotton candy as opposed to hard and unmalleable bone.

The cure for this usually prescribed on endless tiktoks, posts, and cyber prognostications is to walk away, build your own self up, seek self-validation, don’t worry about the jerk you like/love. All of this is important. We need to care about and take care of ourselves, to validate our own feelings and emotions. We should not abandon ourselves to the whims of others. We do need boundaries.

However, it’s also ok to have needs. Needs we can get met in relationship with others, in mutuality and exchange, as well as within our own beings. Our friends, family, and romancers need to cooperate, of course, to open up and let us help them with their needs. Validate them and receive validation from them. It’s ok to open up and be interdependent.

As to what I desire, I don’t have a lot in mind about who I want to be with. Be a guy – I like guys.  Someone warm, compassionate, bitchy, and funny. Be someone I can share this harsh, ugly, beautiful world with. We can figure the rest out if we communicate baby. Just dont run away. I will try to stay in the room, too. Talk damnit. I will be there interdepending with you. Be effin imperfect with me.