I have liked a guy since April.

Did I ever tell the guy I liked him and asked him out for a date, at the least?

No, of course not. Recently he admitted he knew I liked him. However at the same time he admitted he had been “dating ” someone throughout the time were were hanging out and sometimes being intimate.

Of course I was hurt. From him not liking me after we had been together. He had told me I was his “little bear”. He seemed to like me. He told me I was attractive for my looks and brain. I was also hurt because of his lies, especially the lies of omission he presented. Looking back, I think he told me lies about lots of things. Funny though, I don’t think it was malicious. From what I’ve observed and from what he has actually said, he doesn’t like himself. He has called himself a “cesspool” at relationships and a bad person. The lies, I think, were ways to get people, me, anyone to not see his true self. I saw his true self from the day I first met him. None of his subsequent behaviors or words have lead me to change my opinion. I liked him. I tried to let him know but it was hard. I wanted to “fix” him and make him feel better but, as anyone can tell you, I can not “fix” anyone but myself. I can support someone else and provide affection ( I tried).

Besides the fact that ultimately one can only help oneself, another reason I cannot fix or change anyone is that we are all fine as we are, right here, right now. Yes, growth and change are are parts of life, but your authentic self is just that. Your self. That’s the part I really liked with this guy. We had great conversations sometimes. I felt we were both present and often intimate(i.e. sex) and vulnerable.

I guess I was too triggering or just not enough for whatever he needed. I wanted to kiss him, hold him, massage his back, massage his soul. But I couldn’t reach out. I wanted to cuddle, kiss, touch lightly when were together.He even asked me to express my needs, although by this time he was with the newer guy. However, I do respect that he tried, that he actually asked me. Sadly, I was again afraid and could not tell him. By then, I thought he didn’t like me at all and was too scared to find out if this was true. I was just as hidden as some of the things he did not tell me.

Recently, he also told me it was hard for him to transition to a friendship. At the time, I was too angry, sad , and otherwise overwhelmed to ask what this meant. Maybe he did have some connection with me he found hard to release. Maybe he was scared I would see the real him. Maybe both.

Now I know the truth. Fear sucks. It should be acknowledged but never allowed to take over. “Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death”, as Frank Herbert wrote in Dune. Well, fear stopped my mind from being present with him. Don’t let fear stop you.

Next time, I will be present and communicate. Each day is a new opportunity to be here in myself.

Phew